Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
