At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
