She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
