Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
