drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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