I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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