I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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