remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
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