eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
