Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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