i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
