mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
