I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
