He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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