That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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