bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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