You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
