I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
