Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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