she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
