he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
