He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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