If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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