This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
