I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
