I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
