last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
