I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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