My Higher Power is John Stamos
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
