I accidentally had phone sex last night
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
