I can tuck mytits in my pants
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize