Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
