Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
