Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
