My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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