After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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