you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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