I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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