My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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