How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
