Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
