youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
