My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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