You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize