he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
