This is not my ceiling
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
