I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That accounts for only three of the penises
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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