Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
