i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
