i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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