I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
