Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
