He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
