I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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