why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
