Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
