mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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