I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
