I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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