When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
