I should be sponsored by Trojan
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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