i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
