I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
